Depression sets in...

I feel like everything is falling apart and landing on me. From the moment I woke up in the morning to now, the day has gotten progressively worse. I'm broke, my homework is piling up, and I missed a test today. And I have to get up at four in the morning tomorrow to start a new shitty day. I haven't seen Diana all day. After school she spent the day with one of her friends. When she called this evening she had to register for next semester's classes. She called Andrew to find out which teachers are the best and he wanted to talk to her. Meanwhile I sat at home waiting for her to come over, thinking about how much I need her right now. She calls and tells me she's going to Andrew's so they can talk. She told me she would call me later to invite me to join her. She wasn't there when I needed her the most. So that made me feel better. It's not her fault. I'm not trying to say that. She's not a mind reader and I know she needs some time to herself. I just really needed her to comfort me and she wasn't there. I'm debating whether or not I want to go to Andrew's when she calls. Part of me wants to go just to see her. But another part of me wants to not see her just to hurt her. I don't like that part of me. Judge me if you must. Those are my honest feelings.

Eventually...

Two months with Diana have come and gone. We've gotten so close in such a short amount of time. I suppose it's because we're meant for each other. I think we are. I sat on the porch last night and reflected about my life. Where it was going and stuff like that. Then I started to imagine proposing to Diana(Mind you, not in the near future!). I imagined picking out the perfect ring, and then I tried to imagine the perfect setting to propose. I started to get excited at the notion of marrying her. Then I started to think about how I shouldn't focus too much on the future and enjoy life now. That's when I started thinking about all the things I would need to do before we could get married. She is actually motivating me to do better. I'm not doing too bad right now, but there's always room for improvement. And that "Fancy IT Job" isn't going to find itself. So until next time, I'm off to do some homework...

What the hell am I doing?

I haven't been to class in almost two weeks. I'm thinking about
getting stoned tonight. I got drunk the night before last. I didn't go
to work yesterday. I will go to class tonight. I will go to work
tomorrow. I will go to class from now on. I will do my homework. I
will study for tests. I will cut down on smoking, drinking, and pot.
Don't get me wrong, I really haven't been drinking and smoking pot
that much. But maybe I should stop completely. Diana tries to help and
she does. She tries to keep me from drinking so much I get sick. But
sometimes I don't listen.

My love for Diana grows everyday. I want to be with her forever. We're
getting bad at sleeping alone. Last night we were going to sleep
alone, but plans changed. I get such good sleep with her. Restful and
peaceful sleep. I hope my paradise doesn't crumble at the end of this
semester. I hope I can pull my head out of my ass long enough to pass
my classes. Well, I work well under pressure and it wouldn't be the
first time I had to create a miracle...

Everything is coming up Milhouse...

It's raining so hard outside. Hmm, maybe Noah will show up and laugh
at all the drowning people, that would be nice. That didn't make any
sense. I don't feel like making sense today. I don't have to work
tonight, which means I have to go to my parent's and eat turkey. But
is that really that bad? My "long day" isn't too long. I was supposed
to go to work and 8:00 A.M., I got in at noon. I'll be here until
around 2-3, then I thought I was supposed to go to my other job, but I
don't have to today. Not for another couple of weeks. Then I was going
to go to my parents around 8:00 P.M., but I can get there earlier. So
my day isn't so long, I just feel like crap. Mentally and physically.
Something is worrying me, but I can't figure out what. And that
worries me more. I just can't relax. And my stomach hurts...

Monday morning catch-up...

It's another Monday. I don't feel too bad. I dropped my Saturday
class, so I didn't have anything going on all weekend. Naturally, I
got wasted on Friday, recovered a little on Saturday, and then drank
some more on Saturday night. Sunday I just sat at home and watched
some movies. Then Diana came over and studied while I tried to fix my
computer. I got a full 8 hours of sleep last night, so I feel like
crap. I work better under no sleep. At least until I crash from
extreme exhaustion. Well I guess that's the end of this post. Until
next time, keep reaching for the stars and you'll never get off the
ground...

Two down, a million to go...

I smoothed things over with my teacher, I can take the tests tomorrow.
That only leaves 3 other classes to sort away, and then I can focus on
worrying about other parts of my life, like money and health.
Thankfully I don't have to worry about Diana too much, she comforts me
more than she worries me. Looks like Kerry is going to concede, damn
another 4 years with a buffoon as president. Anyway, I'm starting to
feel better emotionally, I might even do some school work. Or I might
just read or something. Everything has seemed so far away for the past
2 weeks, like I'm on another planet. I can barely distinguish one day
from the next. I plan on sleeping tonight, maybe that will help. Its
going to be tough leaving Diana early though. We both desperately need
sleep. The sleep we get leaves us unfulfilled and we don't have any
energy. This morning I had a nice Zen-like calm sweep over me. I went
home to change clothes and decided to go on the porch and have a
smoke. I put on my jacket since it was freezing and I sat in the
rocking chair we have on the porch and I smoked and just sat and
thought random thoughts. Like how do squirrels keep warm? You know
stuff like that. My body just sort of relaxed and I felt great. I
wasn't warm but I didn't care. Maybe it was the cigarette or the
setting, but it was wonderful. I came into work and everyone was nice
and understanding and nobody bitched at me for being late. My teachers
were willing to work with me and my boss wasn't bothered by my
haphazard work habits. Life seems so good right now. I'm in love and
my life is going somewhere and things aren't as bad as they seem. I am
happy and well and nothing can phase me now. Thank you blog for
cheering me up once again. Until next post friends and neighbors...

Everything is closing in...

So much to do and I haven't been doing anything. I keep putting things
off and never getting back to them. I haven't been to class in what
seems like forever. This sickness sucks because I can't even enjoy
skipping class. I keep thinking about all the stuff that is overdue
and late and due tomorrow. I skipped a midterm last night. Maybe I can
make it up. Maybe not, who cares? I'm feeling better physically today.
Emotionally I feel strung out and stretched, oh no, here comes the
teacher who's test I skipped... to be continued...