Last Chaos

Hey guys and dolls,

I've been hooked by another game, Last Chaos. Check it out: http://lastchaos.aeriagames.com/front_page

I'm such a whore...

Here's the deal, I heard on the news about that free iPod thing on the internet and they said it was legit, so I decided to try it. The only problem is I need 5 people to sign up for a trial offer on their website, and no one wants to do it. I thought I might as well post it on my blog, even though no one reads it anyway. So if anyone wants to help me out, here is the link:

http://www.freeiPods.com/?r=12530867

Make sure you use that link or it won't count. Thanks guys.

Oh, and I might get around to actually posting a blog sometime today, but I don't know for sure. I guess I could post a little right now. Diana and I aren't broken up. She came back from Oklahoma and we spent the night together. I tried to go through my big speech, but it didn't work out like I planned. But I did find out that she is not sure if she is in love with me anymore because she says, "I haven't been around you enough lately, just the worrying you and not you relaxed and enjoyable you." So I guess that means that if I have a bad week she could just stop loving me at any point. Yeah, that made me feel real good. I can't believe how fragile her love for me is, I mean I couldn't just stop loving her over the course of a couple of weeks. I'm not going to worry about it too much though, I'm just going to try and relax and see what happens. It just made me feel bad that things could get so bad so quickly. I asked her last night how close she was to breaking up with me and she said that she was seriously considering it. So was I to be honest. Fortunately neither one of us was too eager to go for it and we were both kind of waiting to see if things got better. She also said that she would give me a decision in two weeks as to whether she wanted to stay together or not. So hopefully things get better because I really don't want to lose her. I have realized over the past few days that I can have fun and enjoy myself without her, but I still want her in my life. I still love her so much, I can't stand the thought of not having her love me back. I guess that's why her saying all that stuff about doubt bothered me so much, because now I feel like she might not love me anymore. I think that's also why I felt like something was over, maybe something is over, her love for me. I know she still loves me, I just think that she's not in love with me anymore. I wish I could go back in time and find out what exactly went wrong. She doesn't know and I don't have a clue. Just all of a sudden she felt all this pressure and that's when things turned south. I'm going to try and not make her feel so pressured all the time. I'm not sure there is anything I can do though. Diana just seems to feel this irrational pressure sometimes. I think she wants to be alone again. I think she wants to be able to sit at home all day and maybe date a little, just to get some ego boosting. If that's what she really wants I have to accept that and try not to take it too personally. If we do break up, I'm not going to have a girlfriend for a long time. One of the biggest things I'm afraid of is if we break up, she might find someone else like really quickly. That would hurt more than breaking up. I know it's going to hurt just to see her dating and making out with guys, but that would pale in comparison to the feeling that would come if she got a boyfriend. And what if she falls in love again? How would I feel? I think that would be the ultimate form of rejection. I wonder how long she would wait before she went on a date with someone or made out with someone or , God forbid, have sex with someone else. What sucks is that we are still going to be friends, so I'll meet most of the guys she sees. I wonder how I would react to that. I wonder if I would just break down and start crying right then and there. Hopefully these problems are a long time out. I know that I'll have to face them sometime, because I don't think we'll be together forever. I just want to enjoy the time we have left and hope we're together for a long time. I'll just leave it in my blog and relax the rest of the time. Besides, worrying about it just makes things worse and puts unnecessary stress on the relationship. Well, I've written enough for now. Until next time blog...

Is this the end?

Diana finally came clean about what has been bothering her. Apparently she is doubting whether or not she loves me because of when I got really crazy last week due to pain killers, and told her that I started resenting her. Also, when I made plans I made than sound bigger than they were in order to hurt her. I didn't really mean to hurt her, I was just kidding, but the humor was subconsciously me getting back at her for making me feel bad. So we talked about why she hasn't wanted to see me for the past week or so. She has been avoiding me because was afraid that if she saw me she would find out that she doesn't love me because she feels that I'm not the person she thought I was. She said she thought I was grateful and sweet, but the things that I said made her realize how petty and childish I can be. I wish she wouldn't judge me, especially based on 1 week that I was messed up for half of. She said that she didn't want to end anything just yet, but she does see an end in sight. I feel like we're already broken up. She also said she kind of wished she hadn't taken my virginity because it made me so attached to her. She wished she could put me on a shelf and save me for later because she isn't sure she was ready for a relationship this intense. She feels like she's tied down and she doesn't like that. I'm not sure if she feels tied down because she's doesn't feel free to do anything she wants, or she wants to be with someone else. She sent me an email today saying that she doesn't want to end anything, she just needed some space. I hope we can work things out. I really don't want to lose her. Today she went to Oklahoma to take her mom to a hospital up there and I'm not sure if she'll be back tomorrow or not. When she comes back I'm going to talk to her and ask her some questions that I need to know the answers to before we can go any further. Basically I'm going to ask her if she is still in love with me, what she wants from me/the relationship, how much space she wants, if she still wants to be with me forever, and if there is anything I can do to fix things between us. Hopefully I can get some honest answers so I can quit trying to guess what she's thinking. Most of all I want to know if she is still in love with me. I know she loves me, but I don't know if she loves me like a friend or a lover.
In other news, I was in a car accident tonight. I was in a friend's jeep and he lost control, spun out, hit a guard rail in front of a railroad crossing thing, and finally flipped onto side of the jeep. Luckily, no one was hurt. My friend Sam got a cut on his arm from a broken window, but David and I were Ok. It actually was a little fun, but only because no one was hurt. Now I'm debating whether I should tell my parents or not...

Man am I Bitchy...

I just read over some of my most recent posts. (Sorry they're not more recent, but life takes priority, you know.) God I should change the name of this blog to "Mike Bitches About His Not So Bad Life." Things aren't really that bad, I just tend to remember the stuff that's bothering me when I blog. So much has happened, where to start? I can't even remember half the stuff that's happened in the past two weeks. I haven't been drinking too much, I've been smoking a little more than I would like but finals are stressful and smoking helps. Ah, the finals. I'm done with them all, finally. So far I know that I have an A and a B. I should know in the next few days what my other two grades are. I predict a C and an A or B. Not too shabby, huh? I told you I work better under pressure. My finances are still a little iffy, but at least I can pay my bills and I had a little extra money that I spent on Christmas. Almost done shopping. I'm going to get my dad a book tomorrow and I might get Carl something, but I don't know if I can afford it. Carl is my uncle that I live with. I have more to post, but it'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'm getting sleepy. Goodnight...

Depression sets in...

I feel like everything is falling apart and landing on me. From the moment I woke up in the morning to now, the day has gotten progressively worse. I'm broke, my homework is piling up, and I missed a test today. And I have to get up at four in the morning tomorrow to start a new shitty day. I haven't seen Diana all day. After school she spent the day with one of her friends. When she called this evening she had to register for next semester's classes. She called Andrew to find out which teachers are the best and he wanted to talk to her. Meanwhile I sat at home waiting for her to come over, thinking about how much I need her right now. She calls and tells me she's going to Andrew's so they can talk. She told me she would call me later to invite me to join her. She wasn't there when I needed her the most. So that made me feel better. It's not her fault. I'm not trying to say that. She's not a mind reader and I know she needs some time to herself. I just really needed her to comfort me and she wasn't there. I'm debating whether or not I want to go to Andrew's when she calls. Part of me wants to go just to see her. But another part of me wants to not see her just to hurt her. I don't like that part of me. Judge me if you must. Those are my honest feelings.

Eventually...

Two months with Diana have come and gone. We've gotten so close in such a short amount of time. I suppose it's because we're meant for each other. I think we are. I sat on the porch last night and reflected about my life. Where it was going and stuff like that. Then I started to imagine proposing to Diana(Mind you, not in the near future!). I imagined picking out the perfect ring, and then I tried to imagine the perfect setting to propose. I started to get excited at the notion of marrying her. Then I started to think about how I shouldn't focus too much on the future and enjoy life now. That's when I started thinking about all the things I would need to do before we could get married. She is actually motivating me to do better. I'm not doing too bad right now, but there's always room for improvement. And that "Fancy IT Job" isn't going to find itself. So until next time, I'm off to do some homework...

What the hell am I doing?

I haven't been to class in almost two weeks. I'm thinking about
getting stoned tonight. I got drunk the night before last. I didn't go
to work yesterday. I will go to class tonight. I will go to work
tomorrow. I will go to class from now on. I will do my homework. I
will study for tests. I will cut down on smoking, drinking, and pot.
Don't get me wrong, I really haven't been drinking and smoking pot
that much. But maybe I should stop completely. Diana tries to help and
she does. She tries to keep me from drinking so much I get sick. But
sometimes I don't listen.

My love for Diana grows everyday. I want to be with her forever. We're
getting bad at sleeping alone. Last night we were going to sleep
alone, but plans changed. I get such good sleep with her. Restful and
peaceful sleep. I hope my paradise doesn't crumble at the end of this
semester. I hope I can pull my head out of my ass long enough to pass
my classes. Well, I work well under pressure and it wouldn't be the
first time I had to create a miracle...