Three simple words...

Now she's done it. She said it, and meant it, I hope. She said those
three simple one syllable words that everyone longs to hear. Not only
did she say it, she said it exactly the way I imagined. I said, "I
love you." and she just says, "I love you, too.", all casual like. It
was beautiful. I review the conversation up to that point to make sure
I didn't miss anything. All I can say is "wow," not the most eloquent
thing to say I'll admit, but I was just trying to make sense of the
situation. Then I realize I'm grinning ear to ear. She said it again
this morning. It just about kills me. I wonder if its possible to die
from extreme happiness? Not even the depressing hellhole which is work
can bring me down today. Life is so great I'm a little worried that
something bad is going to happen, you know to balance out Karma or the
universe or something. It'll have been worth it.

I feel, better...

I know its been forever since I last posted but I wanted to stew for
awhile and work through things. I feel better, I have come to realize
that I'm not depressed because of life, its just my job that depresses
me. So now I can stop worrying that my depression has anything to do
with Diana and life in general. I was starting to question whether we
brought each other down or really made each other happy. Well mystery
solved, Diana makes me happy and I hope I make her happy. I went most
of the weekend without her and I felt empty. Saturday wasn't bad
because I was distracted, but Sunday I missed her so much it hurt. I
hate sounding cliched like that, but its how I felt. Last night I saw
not only her, but her dad, Nessa, Andrew, Tom, and Jayla. It was great
and it was even better when I realized everyone there wasn't a
stranger. I realized that everyone had changed and grown, but they are
still the people I know and love. I didn't feel like I had to put up
my defenses. Overall, I feel better and not so down in the dumps.

Confused and Worried...

This may end up being a long post and it might not make much sense but
I need to clear my head and get this stuff down before I go crazy.

Do I love her? What is love? Is it just sexual attraction combined
with adoration and common interests? The sexual attraction is there,
no doubt. I adore everything about her. We both have similar views and
are motivated in the same way. Does that mean I love her? If I love
her why do I get jealous when she talks about the past? Am I jealous
of her past, or the people who shared her past. Do I resent the fact
that I was not a larger part of her life before now? Why do I lament
the fact that I will never share those experiences with her, I'll
never go through those things with her. Why can't I look toward the
future and embrace the experiences that we will share and deal with
and survive together? I want to be a part of her life and I already
am, why can't I convince myself of this? What will it take to be a
"part of her life"? Is there some definitive event that will solidify
my position in her life? Am I just afraid that I'm not a part of her
life because I think she will leave me? Am I just an episode in the
series of her life? Will I be broken and forgotten, left behind to die
writhing in the sun? Why can't I fucking relax and enjoy the time I
have with her? Am I so sure that she will reject me and discard me
that all this is necessary? Is rejection what this is all about? Do I
fear another rejection? Do I have so little faith in her that I think
she will abandon me for no reason? Why was I always rejected in the
first place? I really don't know what it is that would make me so
undesirable and disposable. The worst part about it is that I feel
disposable, that anyone could replace me at any moment. And not just
replace me, erase me. I feel forgettable. Insecurity is my secret
weakness. I think I hide it well, just not from myself. I'd like to
think I present myself as confident, albeit antisocial, and although
I'm insecure I really don't care what people think. I don't care what
most people think, just people I care about. I want to feel accepted
as the person I am and not just someone that everyone deals with until
they can get rid of me. I want to mean something and not just be in
the background, blending in. I want to be center stage every once in a
while, not because I need attention, but so I won't fade out of memory
and be just one of those guys from high school that no one can quite
remember exactly. I feel like it was too easy to exit everyone's life
for over a year. I feel too easily filed away into obscurity. Describe
yourself in one word: Insignificant.

I think I know now what's been bothering me. Thanks, this was helpful.
Now on to the hard part, dealing with these feelings of
insignificance.

Hmm, How about a quick play by play?

Wow, Friday involves a late night trip to IHOP and a lot of coffee.
Saturday morning I sleep in and skip class, then me and Diana go to
the art museum have a good time, she hangs out with Nessa and I have
dinner with some family. Later, we go to Andrews and I get drunk. It
was fun but I couldn't do it every night like Andrew's flatmates,
they're insane. Diana stays sober and makes sure I'm all right and
keeps me from driving. I spend the night at her place because I
couldn't drive home. Sunday morning we get up and visit half price
books, there is a nice girl who was trying to be friendly but neither
me or Diana were very friendly back. We go to my place and nap and
cuddle and etc. We get a pizza and we watch The Six String Samurai on
DVD, I think she liked it a little although most people don't. We
decided that she would sleep over at my place, and it was really good
and then my goddamn caveman side showed up and I ruined the nice time.
We went back to her place and I was feeling hurt/rejected/guilty but
Diana cheered me up and I slept over at her place again. I know what
you're probably thinking and no we are not having sex so we're doing
all right. Her dad comes to town next week.

Just trying to sort it...

One minute everything is simple, spelled out letter by letter, word by
word, and everything is calm and serene, there are only insignificant
worries and very few cares, all life's problems can be worked out over
the course of a cup of coffee and an old movie. Then when everything
seems in place and orderly and nothing could possibly change, life
changes behind your back. Suddenly you're catapulted away from the
safety of solitude and thrust into the wilds of a relationship, and
all these emotions that would have know their place back in solitude
suddenly take over and everything that made life simple is swept away
and you're left vulnerable and confused, with no hope in sight. And
just when you think everything is lost and you'll never be sane again,
you realize you're not alone, and suddenly you don't ever want life to
be simple again.

Mix CD, Booze, and a Girl...

I finally got around to making that mix CD for Diana, I forgot to make
a listing of the songs but that is easily remedied. We went over to
Andrew's house last night to watch the debate, and quickly realized
the debates were boring so we just played uno and drank a little. It
was the first time I really drank so I was feeling pretty good after
the second White Russian. I didn't get drunk or anything just a little
buzzed. I actually probably wouldn't have been able to stay very long
without it because I was never that comfortable hanging out with a
group of guys for very long. Plus, I didn't know Andrew's flatmates
very well, but they seemed OK. Diana and I are at an impasse, we both
want to wait as long as possible before we have sex, but we are also
very *frisky*. I think we're both smart enough and responsible enough
to wait despite our raging teenage sex drives. Que sera sera.

I know it shouldn't bother me, but...

Ugh, Diana and I are reaching the point in our relationship where we talk about past experiences. This is where having zero relationship experience kicks in because I have nothing to tell. Which basically means Diana is going to be telling me stuff while I try not to freak out. Last night she tested the waters a little and told me a couple of things, and I was bothered by it. Here I sit thinking I have one of the most open minds in the world and I'm bothered by something she said. I told her it bothered me and that made her think maybe I wouldn't be able to deal with her past. Then we were uncomfortable around each other for the first time in a long time, it was a little concerning at first but we began to talk things over and I explained that I was just caught off guard, and I would be able to deal with it. We talked it over more and the more we talked the better I began to feel and eventually we were comfortable again. She even asked me if I wanted to just be friends for a while so I could go on a "Bimbo Quest" and get some stuff out of my system. But who needs a bimbo when you've got the perfect girl already?

Wow, I think that hurt...

Its kind of neat when you stub your toe, and there's a definite moment
when you decide whether it hurts or not. That only happens every once
in a while for me, I usually just assume it hurts and say, "ouch."
Enough of this profound and intellectually stimulating junk...
I just got an email from Diana asking me if I would go to the Roach
Museum with her, like she even has to ask. =) Her dad is coming to
town in a little over a week, so I will get to(have to) meet him. Its
not that I don't want to meet him, I'm just a little nervous about it.
My parents will be gone in less than 2 weeks from now. I suppose I
should be happy about this, but I'm not. I'm happy that my dad got
a great new job, but damn Indiana is far. Well there's always air travel.